It’s Father’s Day, the time of year that keeps the male sock industry profitable as families everywhere scramble to think of last minute man-gifts. The role of dads has changed a lot in recent years, as rigid old gender roles break down and a wider array of parenting styles become accepted. Video games have given us plenty of relevant examples of how to be a father over the years, but which one are you? Take our entirely serious and scientifically rigorous test to find out!
What was the first thought you had when seeing your child for the first time?
“What a plucky teenager. I should definitely keep her safe from weird, infected fungus monsters.”
“Aye, a stout young lad! Finally, someone to provide me with ranged support in combat!”
“He looks exactly like me, only smaller! I shall call him Junior!”
“So tiny! So…unimpressive! He’ll have to do some serious rolling to be as fabulous as us!”
“So you are the infant who will challenge me? I will destroy you!”
Describe a typical family day out for you and your kids.
Quality time creeping through an abandoned shopping mall together, having deep conversations and smashing some Clickers right in the head with a pipe. A real Polaroid moment.
We’d probably pack a picnic and go on an epic quest to scatter my wife’s ashes from the top of a sacred mountain. We’ll probably slaughter some monsters and demi-gods along the way, just for old time’s sake.
Nothing too extravagant. Just running and jumping through the jungle, collecting as many bananas as possible. Might even go for a ride on a rhino if we can find one.
Not so much with the kids, do you know? So naughty. I lost track of time and space and broke everything. Oh well. I’m sure someone will clean it all up. What are kids for, after all?
Always training. Preparing for the next tournament, during which I will try to crush all who oppose me – especially my son.
What gift would you most like to receive on Father’s Day?
Some bindings and blades would be great. These melee weapons won’t last for long.
A mighty new throwing axe. Ooh, and some more facepaints.
Well, now you mention it, I am running low on barrels. They always come in handy.
We want everything. Preferably rolled up into a giant ball. The bigger the better.
Hair gel, protein powder, and painkillers.
Do you keep any secrets from your family?
I repressed my own heartbreak and lost myself in an amoral world of smuggling and violence for many years. I also have a wonderful singing voice.
Well, I was tricked into murdering my previous family, leading me on several blood-soaked revenge quests which resulted in the slaughter of an entire pantheon of gods. I tend to keep that quiet.
I once kidnapped a plumber’s girlfriend and held her hostage at the top of a construction site. In my defense, it was the 1980s and everyone was politically incorrect back then.
No, baby. We are an open book. We are written in the stars. Apparently I am something called a “hoarder” though. Sounds fun!
I have no secrets. Only unquenchable fury.
What is the most important lesson you want to pass on to your children?
Never give up hope. Don’t lose your faith in others. Also, stock up on alcohol – never know when you might need to craft a bomb.
Be strong. Be brave. Do not show weakness or mercy to your enemies. Also, remember that there are few problems that cannot be solved with an axe to the face.
Explore, have fun, always climb into a barrel just to see what happens. Oh, and bananas. You can never have too many. Very good for you.
Dress well, be groovy, and mostly just try and keep things tidy, yeah?
Come back when you are ready to fight!
Mostly As: You are Joel, from The Last of Us.
A natural protector, for you parenting is not a purely biological thing. Your fatherly instincts kick in whenever you’re asked to mentor young people – especially if the world is overrun by fungal-infected creatures that were once human. You’ll do anything to keep them safe – and help them heal their own troubled past. Good job!
Mostly Bs: You are Kratos, from God of War.
You favor a traditional tough-but-fair approach to parenting built around hearty outdoors activities, hunting, rune collecting, and lots of unsentimental pep talks while dismembering creatures from Nordic folklore. You can also rock a seriously sexy beard.
Mostly Cs: You are Donkey Kong, a fun loving if somewhat grumpy paternal figure.
Worryingly, your own son has not been seen for many years and you instead prefer to spend your time hanging out with your nephew, Diddy.
Mostly Ds: You are the King of All Cosmos, from Katamari Damacy.
You are, frankly, a terrible father. You spend most of your time partying and leaving destruction in your wake, and then expect your son to clean it all up in order to earn your approval. This may help repair the universe, but is also causing him massive psychological harm. You do have spectacular fashion sense, however, so it’s not all bad.
Mostly Es: You are Heihachi, from Tekken.
Sorry, we try not to be judgmental, but you are quite possibly the worst dad of all time. It seems the only reason you had a son was so you could raise him in the same ruthless martial arts regime as yourself, and then repeatedly attempt to fight him to the death in increasingly unlikely tournament scenarios, some featuring an actual bear. Remember: Family counseling is available.
